I wish I didn't feel the need to begin everything I write with a last minute replacement warm up comedian type line. You know the schtick:
Gimme:
How about that 9/11, folks? It's getting to be like Christmas. Every year the commemorations are earlier, huh? Soon we'll start singing carols on 9/11, and watching 'Falling Man' documentaries at Christmas!
(silence, Gimme coughs)
Anyway, 9/11. Why do we call it that even?
(tittering)
Shouldn't it be 11/9?
(weak guffaws)
Because obviously if we're going to separate numbers in this manner there should be some kind of intrinsic logic applied.
(puzzled silence)
Stay with me, folks...
(coughs from audience)
You should either work form the shortest in duration to the longest, as in day, month, year or I guess, if you really felt the need to fuck with it, the other way around as in year, month, day...
(muttering about unnecessary obscenity, shifting in seats)
So really the whole 9/11 thing makes no sense at all...
(low-level booing)
Audience member:
Get off the stage!
Gimme:
Folks, folks! Okay, right, well how about that Osama and his sexy beard, huh? The C.I.A. are baffled! Fucking hell, peeps...
(loud boos)
Sorry, sorry. But let's cut this figurehead some slack! It's not like he's Britney, right?
(some chuckling)
Can't the guy have a little image reimagining, a little rug rethink without Heat breaking down his door and pointing out his V.P.L. and pit stains?
(scattered laughter)
You know, MJ Gohel of the world famous Asia pacific foundatiom says bin Laden looks 'vain and ridiculous'. Jeez, MJ, you wanna ease back a little on this terroristic mastermind? Even if you are in a cave somewhere planning the downfall of the West you still want to look well, right? And grey in the straggly beard can age you horribly!
(less laughter, more scattered)
Let's give the guy some space folks and focus on the message, folks. Convert to Islam or die!
(silence, tumbleweed)
Convert to Islam or die!
(mutterings, not so scattered boos)
Convert or die!
(cat calls, shouts of abuse)
M.C.: (enters stage right)
And thank you very much Gimme A. Minute!
(sotto voce, manhandling Gimme towards stage left)
Get off the fucking stage, Minute. You had your fucking chance and you fucked it up.
Gimme:(hysterically but passionately)
Fucking convert or die motherfuckers! I know where you heathen cunts live! I've got the bomb belt! Time to die, I tell you!
(exiting left, whispering theatrically)
Time to fucking die.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
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16 Johns and janes for the comment whore:
That brings back memories of squirming in my seat in the Point when Eddie Izzard made that very same 9/11 - 11/9 joke - to similar effect, except that he couldn't be dragged off since he was the only act.
Thats you earmarked for extraordinary rendition now, Gimme.
Keep an eye out for those black vans with tinted windows...
I've an entire routine worked out about the use of disposable terrorists and their increased carbon footprint, but my wife won't let me publish it because she wants the kids to be sure Daddy doesn't get bumped off by the CIA.
I laughed.
Maybe he's dying his beard to impress his burning love, Whitney Houston. She is single now, you know.
Tremendous, made me laugh hard. Now do one about Anita Roddick? Too soon? Whatever....
quality writing there Gimme...
First class.
Now do the one about Islamic suicide ventriloquists.
Yeah, that's it. Go for it. But you know they're going to name and shame your bike as a WMD.
Personally I reckon Osama's gone all Platonic on the West, what with the cave thing, and the Grecian 2000.
That was beautiful. I wanted to clap but the lady beside me had a basket of tomatoes ready and this is a new shirt.
And I'm always confused by the bloody american dates too. I mean what does 3-12 mean? 12th of March or 3rd of December. Why would anyone want to mess with my head in such a way.
Well, why does the traffic run on the left side of the road in this and a handful of other countries?
Why is it inches and feet and not metric like the majority of the world like to measure their distances.
Until everyone starts driving on the "right" side of the road and uses metric system I won't deny Americans the right to use MM/DD/YYYY instead of DD/MM/YYYY.
I forgot to add to the end:
he he
Over here it's all about 3/11 or 11-M as in 11th of March after the Madrid bombings which sounds like they are talking about a motorway.Pretty soon everyone will want one. Finland will be advertising in the Iraqi classifieds for someone to go and blow them up.
For a lot of countries it is difficult to determine who is a legit refugee wanted for their political opinions by their own government, or simply they want to get into the country to be part of the cells established and support their activities. So, they won't have to really advertise in Iraqi classifieds, probably if they just advertise it locally some terrorist cell will be happy to oblige...
I tried to email you, Gimme, and couldn't so I'll put it here. I hope you're not upset with the blatantly sexist comments today. Feel superior and let that shit roll off of you.
Hey Medbh, (pardon me Gimme), can I have some of that too?
Hmm curious...!
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