Down with Jesus! That's what Common Law says. She believes that Jesus died for her sins, but is unimpressed with it as a gesture. There are many, many good people, she reasons, who would be willing to die so save humanity. Particularly if they were to going to come back to life three days later.
CEO of the World: Jesus, hi! Good to see you!
Jesus: Hello, Mr. Johnson.
CEO: Jesus, Jesus! Call me God! Or Dad, I suppose. You can call me Dad.
Jesus: Ok. Dad.
CEO: You know what? Don't call me Dad.
Jesus: Yes, Mr Johnson. Sorry, Mr. Johnson
CEO: Oh, that's fine! (coughs) Take a seat!
Jesus: Thank you.
(They sit)
CEO: So, Jesus. You might have heard rumours of this saving mankind thing we've been working on.
Jesus: Yes. I mean, I've heard some things.
CEO: Oh? What have you heard?
Jesus: Nothing, really. Well, actually... You won't believe this probably, but someone told me that the plan involved my going downstairs and getting brutally murdered.
CEO: (laughing) Oh, that's good! Who told you that? That's wonderful!
Jesus: Well, I should probably...
CEO: Tell me who told you this, Jesus.
Jesus: It was Jacob.
CEO: Really.
Jesus: Yes.
CEO: I see.
Jesus: But I'm sure he...
CEO: The thing is Jesus, that there's an element of accuracy in what you've heard.
Jesus: An element?
CEO: A little more than an element.
Jesus: I have to go downstairs.
CEO: Yes.
Jesus: And be brutally murdered?
CEO: Weeelll.... You will have to die.
Jesus: Oh.
CEO: But you won't really die because you'll be alive again in three days! You can hardly call that dying, right? But yes, you will cease breathing and the like. And it may hurt somewhat. In fact there's little doubt that it'll be dead sore for a little while. Ha! Dead sore! But you know most people last days and days on these things. We'll have you die pretty quickly. Three hours, absolute tops. Most labours are longer than that! The lashes really shorten the time.
Jesus: Lashes?
CEO: Yes, well, you needn't worry about that now. The HR department will go through all the little details. Expenses, etcetera...
Jesus: Right.
CEO: This is voluntary, of course.
Jesus: Of course.
CEO: I can always magic up another son and have them do it, you know. It is an important job, Jesus. Most people would jump at the chance.
Jesus: Yes, of course. Of course, I'll do it, I mean.
CEO: You will be saving all of humankind.
Jesus: No, no, of course I'll do it. I'm grateful for the opportunity. I didn't mean to seem hesitant.
CEO: Ok, good. Great! Well, that's us.
Jesus: OK, thanks sir.
(Jesus rises, moves to the door)
CEO: And Jesus?
Jesus: Yes, sir?
CEO: There'll be no repetition of your previous...issues, will there?
Jesus: Sorry, sir?
CEO: Just stay away from the hookers, Jesus, ok?
Jesus: Oh. Yes. Yes, sir. Yes of course, Mr. Johnson.
(Jesus exits, quickly)
I don't know, I reckon I would have said no. But I am super selfish like that.
Monday, March 24, 2008
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14 Johns and janes for the comment whore:
heh
He couldn't resist that Magdalene one though. Leopards and spots, eh?
I'm with Common Law. It's just a Seigfried and Roy gig if you ask me.
and people wonder why the da vinci code was so popular, sugar!
gimme: quality.......bwahahahaha
It's just a Seigfried and Roy gig if you ask me.
You know the one that got half-eaten by the tiger? Is he still a drooling vegetable or what?
He be plastic fantastic now Major. You feeling me?
Sweet :)
Trouble is though, if you're Jesus in that particular organisation, there's not a whole lot of chance of advancement short of patri/deicide, which is death by St. Patrick's Day for you Godless and damn-ed types. I mean where's the motivation? You run the risk of having yourself a very apathetic saviour on your hands.
I've always catered to the Crass song where she says in the opening, "Jesus died for his own sins, not mine."
Twenty:
Not if Dan Brown is to be believed. And Dan Brown is to be believed.
Believe, Twenty!
Fatmmamycat:
I see that there's a one night only comeback show scheduled for February 2009.
I'm betting Jesus'll want a piece of that.
Savannah:
I don't. It's because he's God's messenger on Earth. You too must believe.
Manuel:
Cheers, dude. That's kind of an evil cackle, huh? Is that because you feel guilt at laughing at Jesus?
Kim:
Thanks :-)
Sam:
You're forgetting the holy ghost. If it wasn't for those pesky kids, he'd have been boss long ago...
Medbh:
Why am I hearing that line in Patti Smith's voice? Does the Crass singer sound like Patti Smith? Does Smith sing a similar line somewhere else?
Does anyone but me give a fuck?
I just knew the big J was just another stoner who failed to read the small print.
Are you a love-child of Monty Python's?
Sam - I think you'd do it for the warm squishy feeling you'd get from saving mankind...humankind I mean
K8:
I knew this post smacked of Captain Smack but I didn't realise I was ripping off the Pythons too.
Oh well, at least they'll like me in Spain.
Common Law:
The warm squishy feeling in your slowly asphyxiating lungs?
You people clearly don't understand what it takes to be a martyr!!
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