Riker's latest bff is Olivia, (the one who says 'crap' all the time) and Olivia's drama group were having their yearly production the night before last. Riker wanted to go and lacking my standard work excuse I felt obliged to take her. Motherfucker, I muttered internally when I realised that this was the case. It's bad enough going to one these things when one's own child is a cast member but sitting through two hours of putrid dramatic puss populated only by other people's talentless tots? No greater sacrifice has a father made, folks.
Five different pieces were contained therein. Allow me to review them individually:
1) Never Never Land.
A bastardised though thankfully short version of Peter Pan. The biggest laugh of the night came from one of the children telling their on stage mother to 'Chill out, Mum!' Hahahaha! Isn't it hilarious when six year olds are rude to their parents? So witty! So fucking charming! If one of the Bridge Crew spoke to me like that they'd be dealing with a short sharp trip to the bold step. But to these parents of the pampered this condescending rudeness was as side-splitting as Bill Hicks doing Goat Boy. Fucking losers. This is why the dial on children these days is set to 'respect-free lout'.
2) The Slumber Party
This was enragingly sexist tripe lacking in any moral centre. Despite my sharing that one line assessment with Riker, this remained her favourite pice of the evening. In a nutshell: Eight year old girls plan a secret sleepover without the knowledge of their holidaying parents. Boys play trick on girls. Girls poison boys in revenge. Lots of 'boys are smelly, girls only like make-up and clothes' dialogue. The deception of the parents and the unsupervised nature of the party brings no negative consequences. The soundtrack to this frankly dangerous premise is, appropriately enough, 'Rehab' by Amy Winehouse.
3) Snow White.
This is the one that Olivia was in. She was playing a dwarf, though like all the other dwarfs, she was dressed as Santa. Snow White herself was dressed in a Disney Snow White costume. For fuck's sake. The almost unbearable tedium produced by the script and direction was lessened somewhat by a strong performance from the Evil Queen. Olivia did not say 'crap'.
4) Jack and The Beanstalk.
Wait till you get a load of this. The middle-aged drama teacher, in a 'Brian Glover in Kes' moment, had given herself a part in this one. Fucking shameless. Unsurprisingly, she was shit. She fluffed her lines, she was unfunny. The whole episode induced in me the kind of cringing that I normally reserve for flashback memories of myself as a teenager.
5) I don't even know what this one was called.
The cast was made up of older children, who, slathered in more make up than Zac Efron on a bad acne day, proceeded to shout their way through what appeared to be an adaptation of The Great Gatsby. The butler got to marry the heiress. The greedy socialite was forced to become the butler of the happy couple. That's basically the plot of Fucking Scott Fitzgerald's alleged classic, right?
I have no doubt that there are more upsetting ways that I could have passed my free evening, I just can't think of any at this time. Riker loved it of course. Feel free to insert your own 'the happiness of the children is all that matters' lie. I can't bring myself to vomit out my own.