I found it:
Overly long. Horrendously punctuated. Needlessly padded. Reliant on exclamation marks to telegraph jokes. Mired in the 'I put a mentler in my movie' mindset. Shamelessly manipulative. and yet spectacularly deficient in its ability to manipulate me. I truly believe that sensitive subject matter does not a superb piece of writing make.
Stop by next month for another bitter, mean-spirited, and jealousy-ridden review of nothing in particular.