Thursday, November 6, 2008

What was that promise that you made?

Thursday, November 6, 2008
Am I tactile person? I believe that I may very well completely fucking not be. Don't get me wrong, I like touching, I like to be touched. It's nice, that touching shit. I'm certainly not one of those crazy cunts who recoils at the brush of an arm by a casual acquaintance. A hearty handshake from a relative stranger or even a strange relative is not going to cause a reflexive knee to the groin. I am aware too, too aware indeed, of the cynical use of touch in the getting of what one wants, the positive reinforcement of a pat on the back, the ego-boosting nature of a breast brush. So touching is okay, for the most part.

And yet I am incredibly protective of my personal space. You know those fuckers who stand really close when they're talking to you? Who get right in your face with their enthusiasm for life and all its alleged joys? This guy is one of those and he is representative of his type. That's the kind of shit that really gets to me, makes me want to get going with the pushing, the wild flailing, the screwdriver in the eyeing. Or maybe it's just assholes. I don't like them touching me, being near me, even fucking thinking about me. Assholes.

I bring this up like so much regurgitated risotto because I've been threatened with a hugging. You heard right. Some guy thinks I need a hug, and for some non-sexual, fucked up reason he wants to be the hugger. I know little about this wannabe embracer, but I have it on good authority that he's no asshole. I, of course, will be the fucking judge of that. Oh how I will judge. But were he to come even close to my ridiculously low standards, I might just take this proffered hug. Fuck knows I could do with one.

19 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Twenty Major said...

I am one of those people who recoils in horror, and with a girlish shriek, when a giant dwarf touches your hand.

gimme a minute said...

Oh such a very, very girlish shriek.

Medbh said...

I'm not a casual hugger. When forced to, I extend the shoulders and pull the rest of my body in the opposite direction.
And why does everyone want to kiss both cheeks?
Isn't one enough?

Caro said...

Hugging is one thing, but I can't bear anyone breathing on me. Not even myself. My boss has the very fucking bad habit of sitting too close to me and breathing on my mouse hand. Some day he will get a pencil up the nostrils and straight into the brain.

He also has the bad habit of sneezing into his hand then grabbing my mouse but that's a whole other rant.

V said...

Pity you don't have a vagina then you could get him charged with harassment but I'll gladly beat you up if you want to give it a go.

Andrew said...

I just see hugs as the bare minimum of ggod manners. Why, I dry-humped Mary Harney last week out of sheer deference to her superior social standing. It gave me little or no pleasure but it had to be done.

gimme a minute said...


Ick. And eww. And fucking hell.

Those Italians, though, they like their touching, right?

You'll be using your akido moves I take it? But hang on, that means I have to hit you first, right? What a great martial art.

Will you be wearing your gee for this beating?

That must be some etiquette book you're working from.

Rosie said...

i am tactile as a limpet, in the right company.

V kisses on both cheeks though...

gimme a minute said...

That's because he's a big, pretentious girl's blouse.

Twenty Major said...

That'd be all the Spanish in him.

gimme a minute said...

Or the him in the German.

That's as nonsensical as it is grammatically unsound. But still I like it.

fatmammycat said...

I'm against folk invading your personal space uninvited. I almost ended up standing in a drainage ditch once when faced with a woman who likes to talk and inch from my nose. Vile.
Living in Spain was a double kissing nightmare and it always took forever to say hello if you were unlucky enough to meet a group of people.

Rosie said...

and what a hug it was. all manly pats on the back to start with, but it quickly descended into heartfelt, with a sloppy dose of cuddle on the side.

i don't know about you, Gimme, but i was touched.

Conan Drumm said...

Touching. It used to be a sin.

Ellie said...

V doesn't kiss me on both cheeks! I'm affronted. And even offended

V said...

Ellie, from now on I guarantee it shall be so.

Meeting a group of people used to be a treacherous business, all would stand in a circle heads flying, great care would have to be taken lest a few or all would be knocked out.

Sniffle&Cry said...

So, not a touchy feely blog here.
But I suppose it never was .

There are times when I meet people whom I believe need a hug, but deserve a dig.

gimme a minute said...

I have Italian cousins. They spend almost as much time greeting each other for dinner as they do having dinner. Which is a long fucking time.

I enjoyed the first one too much I think. He was definitely holding back second time around.

It was probably better for it.

Affronted and offended? That's not like you.

What am I, chopped fucking liver? Where are my kisses?

That's both very funny and slightly profound.

Stop doing that, it makes me look bad.

Rosie said...

Not content with hugging more than 26 million people around the world, Amma the Hugging Mother from India will be back in Ireland this week, flinging her arms around all comers.

She says her hugs symbolise giving and that her embrace helps awaken the spirit of selflessness in people. Amma is at the National Show Centre in Cloghran, Co Dublin, on November 13th and 14th.

so says Róisín Ingle. i dunno about you, but i'm excited.

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