Thursday, December 11, 2008

There ain't nothing in the woodshed

Thursday, December 11, 2008
Hey hey hey hey, oh oh, hey hey hey hey, oh oh.

Do you know what I'm singing? Well, you fucking should.

Top Ten Five Three Two Signs that it's time for a haircut:

1) You're cooking dinner. Squeezing a lemon as it happens. Your four year old approaches. She bears your beige baseball hat.

'Why must there be a beige?' you ask yourself.

'Here you go, Daddy,' she says.

'Thank you,' you say, quizzically.

'It's cold outside,' she says.

'Oh, okay,' you say, acceptingly.

You put on the hat. She moves away, satisfied. She goes to her sister in the sunless sun room.

'Now he's handsome,' she says.

2) You begin a spin class with a reasonably big barnet, somewhat offset by a burgeoning beard. You spin. You enjoy occasionally pushing a sweat dampened hank of hair behind your ear. The class ends. You turn and see yourself in the studio mirror. Your blood turns to freeze pop in your veins. Your head pubes are now considerably larger than your head. There is a lot of frizzage. You look, in fact, like a strung-out Art Garfunkel, but an Art who has been beaten up, trodden down, fucked over.

So I guess it's time. I'm going to walk into the first rug-rethink joint I can find and ask the following question:

'What can I get for 10 dollar?'

And if I don't get the answer I'm looking for then I'm walking the fuck back out.

I really want long hair, you see.

The pleasure of winning a meaningless internet competition, and as the only person to have scored a 'Bad Ambassador The Friday Album Cover' hat-trick, I can assure you that this is a very deep pleasure indeed, goes to the commenter who can successfully answer the aforequestioned question.

12 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Sniffle&Cry said...

I’m proud to be sad Gimme, you can get anything, anything you fucking want.

Rosie said...

i don't get it.

Red Leeroy said...

I beg to differ. I had my Bad Ambassador hat-trick. It all started with dark side of the moon. But did i gloat? no.

Now I regret it.

Conan Drumm said...

Give us the chorus. No, that is the chorus, innit?

Gav said...

Because faun isn't dull enough for some.

fatmammycat said...

Photos! I showed you the dead cat on my head that day now I demand pubular evidence. It's a Mushroom cloud isn't it?

gimme a minute said...

And we have a weiner!

I wouldn't have put you down as an MIA fan. I assume there was no googly cheating there?

Really? But the entire post was about you.

Red Leeroy:
I sit hunched and corrected. You should have gloated, then I might have remembered.

Dude should get a league table done up.

No traditional chorus in that particular piece of perfection.

You might call it a closing refrain, however.

I think you win too, even though you answered the wrong question.

It's definitely preventing the inevitable death of thousands of American soldiers.

See mail.

Snabbed said...

How very dare you! I’m hip I tell you, well I have a gammy hip and I might have, sorta, fallen into by mistake you understand, moved the mouse towards the Google thing and it slipped then, by mistake as I mentioned , it slipped. But I had to read the whole fucking thing to get to the end, Gimme.

Christ almighty , cant’ a charlatan just be left charl anymore.

Conan Drumm said...

Oh go on, gel it into ringlets like Mick Hucknall. Simply beige.

Medbh said...

Either style would rock the dead-beat dad attire and then some.

Ellie said...

Oh you should definitely get cornrows!

gimme a minute said...

I guess it's not how you play the game...

Now there's an appropriate plan. Seeing as I'm pretty sure that all this hair growth is merely an attempt to be holding back the years.

Wouldn't that be cultural appropriation?

Contrary to superficial evidence, my hair is not here for you amusement.

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