Saturday, January 3, 2009

I wanna see you shake your hips and learn

Saturday, January 3, 2009
Dishwasher's broken. Overloaded and constantly on the run over the Christmas period, the poor cunt has just had enough. It'll still turn on and shit, but remains blanketed in a refusal to draw water. 'I'm not thirsty,' it groans despite its demonstrable dehydration. 'Wash them your fucking self,' it whines while emitting a worryingly burny smell.

And so I went to washing them my fucking self. This brought me briefly back to the bygone days before we had a dish dirt disposer at our disposal. I did a lot of washing up back then. And always they created more, these women.

Not this time, I have decided. No more. A representative of Mastercare is due on Monday but until then I have them drinking from carton or tap, and eating from a trough that I have lovingly constructed from bits of sawn-off Christmas tree and Hannah Montana art project packaging. They look so sweet, my girls, kneeling outside in the bitter cold, their cute faces buried in a rapidly cooling swill of carbonara, Nicoise and trifle.

I may cancel Mastercare Man.

4 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Lol Gimme.

You may be onto something. I certainly would enjoy a meal from a trough.

And maybe a colostomy bag for afters.

fatmammycat said...

Forget that, if you really want to be ahead of the game build a sealed quarantine room* to be used at the first sign of sniffles or runny noses. All food can then be passed through to them on plastic disposable trays. Do NOT release until symptoms are well and truly passed/or send elsewhere. DO NOT let them kiss/hug you, they do that on purpose to infect you so that they can recover quick smart and you stay in a weakened state for many days.

* or shed outdoors.

Medbh said...

Dogs are perfect for cleaning up. No crumbs around and the dishes sparkle.

gimme a minute said...

Yeah, that whole moving lark is such a drag.

How about the first sign of sniffles, runny noses or adolescence?

And then you get to clean it all up when it re-emerges.


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