Wednesday, January 28, 2009

That's not a knife, this is a knife

Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Oh Jesus cunting Christ on a no speed Chipper. Yes, a fucking Chipper. A Chipper, folks, was a Chopper for losers. It's what I had when I was a kid. A loser kid, as it happens. A big fat ugly loser bespectacled kid on a Chipper. So my first bike was a cheap knock off, and cheap knock offs are what I now do.

This off knocking though, is not about bikes. Would you like to guess what it is about? I shall begin again, without the distracting Chipper shit:

Oh Jesus cunting Christ on any kind of wheel based transport. You people just don't fucking get it, do you? After all these days, months, years. After all my sterling and euro efforts, you still don't fucking get it. IT. IS. ABOUT. ME. Really, I hate to be all cappy and full stoppy but you fuckers have forced my hand. That banner, that banner that has caused such stupid baseless bitching and sniping, pissing and moaning, and so many ill-formed, pointless and badly constructed sentences over the past twenty-four, that was ABOUT ME. I am the one with few friends, I am the one with the self-promotion penchant and in my desperation to win I am the one who is desperate for you all to think that it is desperate that I am not.

Can you hear me? Do I need to speak more slowly? More biggly?

So if you could all shut the fuck up and let a guy get some swimming lesson watching done I would very much fucking appreciate it. Gimme does not approve of your idolatry, your obtuseness, or even your threatened face-punching be it facetious or no.

There is only one face that Gimme would punch and it is the fat one of the faux pregnant Roisín Ingle.

You fucking heard me. Faux pregnant. I'm not kidding you. Here's the scoop:

Knowing that even the penis-brained numbskulls who read her weakly weekly drivel were beginning to bore of her boyfriend bashing, her privileged posturing and her pathetic attempt at a life of quirk, Ingle has been forced to invent a pregnancy. 'But how does one comfortably fake gestation?' she must surely have asked herself but with shorter, simpler words. 'Those fake bumps look awfully pokey!' The answer was not long in coming. 'I'll just eat myself pregnant! More pies! More cakes! More piecakes for my massive gaping maw! I eat for art! I gorge for my gorgeous gouty words!' And so it came to pass.

Sure, she's most likely going to produce some baby-shaped things in or around the appropriate time but I reckon it'll just be a couple of those life-like latex numbers that we all saw on that Channel Four documentary.

It's fucking fact, folks, it happened, it's happening, it is going to happen. Now fuck off and get your meaninglessly bitching faces around that shit. And yeah, give me my fucking award.

17 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

B said...

What is that "you call that a knife" bit from?

...so what is faux pregnancy? I never heard of this one before.

Manuel said...

fucking quality.......it was quality just for the the" jesus cunting christ".....but it;s even more quality because I know what you are on about........which is unusual.....

Conan Drumm said...

I wonder will the midwife tell her that she has dilate two more column inches?

gimme a minute said...

B:
It's from Crocodile Dundee. As Casablanca is to me, so should that Paul Hogan classic be to you.

Not to be confused with 'phantom preganancy' a phenomenon most common in dogs and mice, faux pregnancy is something I made up in order to make a rather unsubtle point.

Manuel:
Just my little contribution. Let that be an end to it now.

Conan:
Surely it can dilate no more.

The newspaper column! I mean the newspaper column!

Twenty Major said...

She referred to herself as 'waddling down the street' last weekend.

My immediate thought was what was different to any other time she went down the street.

red leeroy said...

I fucking knew it.

Radge said...

You want another phone, don't you? I think this is the speech Kate Winslet should. have. given.

fatmammycat said...

Wif twins I believe. Howdja like them apples?

Rosie said...

banner? i think you mean badge.

though yes, i made your banner too.

Conan Drumm said...

Twins? I thought she'd be one for easy singles.

emordino said...

Right, who is this rambly bearded one and why does he have about sixteen links to every one of your posts?

gimme a minute said...

Twenty:
That was just one of the nineteen things that she said last week that made me want to rip out my own lower intestine so that I might stuff it in my mouth to stop myself howling with literary pain.

Red Leeroy:
I think we all did, deep down.

Radge:
Ha! I'm not winning so much as a twiglet now. Which is a pity as I quite like twiglets.

Fatmammycat:
I like those alleged apples just fine.

Rosie:
Do you mean how dare I after all you've done for me?

Or am I reading too much into that?

Conan:
Cheesy jokes all day, is it Drummster?

gimme a minute said...

Emordino:
That's Kim Ayres of a very good blog.

For some reason my being in his sidebar leads to all that linkage.

savannah said...

ok, so i knew the crocodile dundee line . i know it's all about you. but, once again, i know not of this person you speak of...but it's ok, because it.is.all.about.you.
xoxo

gimme a minute said...

Savannah:
I am speaking of a whole slew of people, siúcra.

But like you say, mostly I am speaking of me.

V said...

I was wondering why Henry street was closed to the public last week.

gimme a minute said...

V:
Braxton Hicks?

 
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