Tuesday, February 10, 2009

As fast as I pick it up it runs away through my clutching hands

Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Stranded presents an open letter to the distant absentee landlord owners of, oh, just some random gym, not the one I occasionally whore about in, oh no, not that one, easily identifiable as it may well be by now what with all the posting I do when I'm drunk and stoned and generally uncaring and also because of all the people who go to the gym to whom I may have revealed the address of my bleugh on the basis of their being able to read and possibly even think.

'Look, look, I'm good at other stuff! I know you already think I'm great at shouting 'Circles!' And 'Engage the core!' but look, read this! See? I'm funny and dark and mysterious too! Approve of me! Love the Gimme!'

So not that gym. Some other gym.

Dear Absentee Gym Guys,

Your gym is great. I love it. I particularly love this wonderful manchild who comes in and teaches spin a couple of times a week. He's great. You should give him more money. But thing is, I do have one or two iggly wiggly niggly little points that I would like to make in relation to how you might better improve your service.

In the men's changing room there is a shower area, and in this shower area there is a shower, and in this shower (first on the left as you enter the area) there is a soap dispenser. This soap dispenser has not worked for more than three years. One may remove the lid and take out a big scoop of yucky skin cancering soap but as far as its primary function goes, the dispensing of said soap, it is something of a failure. For three years this alleged soap dispenser has been naught but a soap holder. This makes me sad. It makes the soap sad. And there is no place in a gym for said sad soap.

I'm not certain if these two points are holistically, or if you will, karmically connected but for almost precisely the same amount of time the flashing coloured lights in the spin studio have been out of order. Participants are required to spin in almost total darkness or in a hideous mother-in-law kitchen fluorescent brightness that hightlights every blemish, every stain of sweat and every O face on show. The most wonderful thing about the wonderful spinner guy is that he allows the spinners, most likely in violation of any number of health and safety regulations, to spin in the dark.

The sauna, which is rarely at a temperature above room, has, for just eighteen months it must be said, been labouring under the nomenclature 'AUNA'. I do not know where the 'S' has gone and I have no reason to believe that it is at the bottom of a pile of toys in a four year old's bedroom. Perhaps someone could paint a new 'S' in?

The pool, which seems now to close at least once a week, for a minimum of three days, is never, ever correctly chlorinated, unless it is correctly chlorinated when it is closed. Don't ask me how I know this. I just do. When open, wildly it veers between tastily toxic highs and freshly fecaled lows.

In the last three years, (three years again - three, it's a magic number) there has been no occasion on which you have failed to have in your employ at least one receptionist breathtaking in both rudeness and lack of basic acceptance of the concept of customer service. At present we have squeaky foreign rude, but before now there has been super camp bitchy rude, mind-numbingly stupid or obtuse or both rude and most impressively, considering their position as 'Front of House Manager' all-out psychotic scream at you if you have forgotten your membership card rude.

The leg press, never, ever works.

With the exception of these six small issues, attendance at your gym is always an unmitigated pleasure. And I really, really like that spin guy I was telling you about. And his blog. I like that too.


Gimme A. Minute.

21 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Medbh said...

I've never showered at a gym because they've all looked like festering holes of bacteria and I have this aversion to public nudity.
But it seems like soap would be a necessary item.

Ellie said...

love it.

RedLeeroy said...

I'm in. I hope it's more than 75 quid a month.

Conan Drumm said...

That must be one of the Coliforms chain.

Loving the S. Make an F in the same style and colour and stick it up when no one's looking.

fatmammycat said...

At the Barn one of the water coolers has been broken siince I joined and we NEED new weights, new bikes ( why just recliner bikes, why?)and it would be super awesome if we actually had a key to the equipment room for ALL classes, not just the occasional one.
Oh raw, if only you were not so expensive, I'd join you tomorrow.

gimme a minute said...

It really is the most skin flakingly horrible excuse for soap though. Anyone with any sense brings their own shower gel.

Not me, as every time I have done I leave it behind in the cubicle, so focused am I on parading my nakedness about the dressing room.

You just like the title.

Red Leeroy:
If you're going to go to Merion for dental floss you may as well travel to D***y for your work out.

Nice idea.

I knew a girl called Flora once. She's very mildly famous now.

Recline bikes for the people who read the newspaper while they're training. You're fooling yourself, mate.

You should go in there and bargain those Raw guys down. I bet they have the wiggle room to go a good bit lower.

fatmammycat said...

Probably, but now that the Paramour has decided to gym up I can get two memberships to the Barn for almost the same as one to the Raw.
it makes salty tears form in my eyes but good economic sense, for the moment anyway.
The bike thing is ridiculous.

Radge said...

Is Flora 'Trudy'? Only Flora I can think of.

And the worst soap award goes to Iarnród Eireann, with Fair City and distant second. Pink, flaky, destructive, flaky, pink shite it is.

gimme a minute said...

Makes annoying sense. And no spin in that place either. One day I shall make you spin. But Gimme spin, which is not like other spin.

Well done. Although like you say, she's the only even remotely famous person of that name.

V was in a play with her. He spent entire scenes staring at her breasts. We forgive him cause he was only young.

Ellie said...

That's true.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Har har Gimme, good letter.

I gave up on the gym when I went away cos I was sick of the guerilla warfare marketing campaign that just just not die, and bumping into townies I don't like.

No one looks good in a sweaty bind.

Twenty Major said...

Makes annoying sense. And no spin in that place either. One day I shall make you spin. But Gimme spin, which is not like other spin.

What do you do to people who simply refuse to peddle any more? Like I would.

Conan Drumm said...

Ah, that one.

And what a totally pointless waste of time that was. And wasn't she in that other silly one too, swimming, so to speak.

gimme a minute said...

There was no need for you to admit to that.

Sarah Gostrangely:
I can't decide if that is very clever wordplay or a typo. Given the keyboardular distance between 'a' and 'i', I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

You are prescited to remain in the dark regarding that until you attend one of my classes.

She was. I quite liked that script, never saw the finished product.

She's an excellent actor, in fairness. She was great in a LaBute play I accidentally attended in The Gate.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

There s shag-all clever bout me Gimme. Twas a typo.

Thanks for the benefit of doubt though.

problemchildbride said...

People O at spin?

"When open, wildly it veers between tastily toxic highs and freshly fecaled lows. "

Love it! I don't know why this should be the line that tickles me the most today but it just is. Don't try to understand it. I'm not that interesting.

gimme a minute said...

Sarah Gostrangely:
Yours whenever you need it.

They just do the face part. I hope.

Glad to have tickled you.

Conan Drumm said...

The Gate, described to me once as a difficult rite of passage for young actors - a little pay and a little disrobing, if the part called for it.

gimme a minute said...

Or depending on the director, cough stanford cough, and the youth/gender of the actor, a whole lot of disrobing whether or not the part calls for it.

Conan Drumm said...

Indeed, and f-all money cos it's the Gate and imagine how it'll look on yer resumé.

gimme a minute said...

It certainly changed my life. Shudder.

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