Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I'll never wash these clothes, I want to keep the stain

Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Mary Jane came in from the pouring rain. She had cycled all the way to work and had been absolutely soaked! She was quite dispirited as she walked in behind reception to collect a towel. As she reached for the towel Evelyn suddenly ran up to her!

'What are you doing? You're not allowed behind here!' she shouted.

'Yes I am! I work here!' Mary Jane replied.

'Well, you don't work at reception and since this morning nobody who doesn't work at reception is allowed behind reception,' said Evelyn in an extremely miffed tone.

'Well, I wasn't to know that, was I?' said Mary Jane. 'And anyway, who says?'

'Miss Grayling does. Now please move out from behind reception.'

Miffed, Mary Jane did as she was asked. That Evelyn could be such a beast! Mary Jane wondered why Miss Grayling had changed the rules. She and all the other freelance instructors had always been allowed behind reception before. She scuttled off to the changing rooms to get out of her dripping clothes. Just as she got to her locker, Gwendoline suddenly ran up to her!

'Oh Mary Jane, Mary Jane, did you hear? Did you, did you? Did you hear?' she said, breathlessly.

'Hear what, Gwendoline?' said Mary Jane, a trifle impatiently. Gwendoline was always running up to her breathlessly.

'Oh you haven't then! Oh, Mary Jane it's all so ghastly,' continued Gwendoline, still out of breath.

'What is Gwendoline? Do spit it out!' said Mary Jane, a little more impatiently.

'Oh Mary Jane! Last night, when Evelyn was closing up, she pushed the day's takings into the timelock safe but she thinks that maybe they were sticking out a little bit and then this morning when she opened up the money wasn't there and the CCTV tape hadn't been turned on which is the job of the person who closes up and Miss Grayling is ever so cross and everybody is being taken into her study, I mean office and being given a jolly good going over and everybody seems to think that it must be Evelyn who is the beastly thief because she closed up and opened up and was the only one to have any contact with the money and it was her job to turn on the CCTV and she came in with a new dress and a fancy haircut this afternoon!'

'Oh, Gwendoline. How can everybody be so foolish? How can they? Oh poor, poor Evelyn. How can people accuse her of such a beastly act with so little proof? No wonder she snapped at me.' said Mary Jane despondently.

'Why, what can you mean, Mary Jane? You...you don't think that it was somebody else?' asked Gwendoline confusedly.

'Yes, Gwendoline. Yes, I do.' said Mary Jane firmly.

'But who, Mary Jane? Who could have done such a beastly, dishonest thing?' asked Gwendoline searchingly.

'Magda, Gwendoline. It most certainly must have been Magda.' said Mary Jane decisively.

'But why Mary Jane, Why would you think it was Magda?' asked Gwendoline askedly.

'Oh, Gwendoline, can't you see? Can't anyone see? Magda is...well, you know...Magda's not from our country, Gwendoline,' whispered Mary Jane revealingly.

Gwendoline could not believe how silly she had been. Mary Jane was so frightfully bright! 'Oh, Mary Jane, of course! You are so frightfully bright! Should we go and tell Miss Grayling?'

'Yes, Gwendoline, I think we better had.'

10 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Oh Gimme!

Biffing good post.

Really rogered me up.

Conan Drumm said...

I'm sure she's one of 'those' as well.

Twenty Major said...

Is that a new haircunt, Gimme?

Twenty Major said...

Dammit. My fingers are, perhaps, a bit too used to that particular sequence on the keyboard.

eliMordino said...

Why is it that exclamation marks are so hideous? I can't imagine cringing every time I see e.g. a question mark. How did it ever come to this, is my point.

fatmammycat said...

I read all this in a Christian Bale styled shoutiness. It was most entertaining.

gimme a minute said...

Sarah:
Thank you and I hope, by the time you read this, welcome home.

Conan:
Yes, she is. Beastly, I tell you.

Twenty:
I believe that I have finally found my voice.

You cut.

eliMordino:
It's a puzzler, huh?

A family member of mine sends postcards wherein every sentence ends in at least one exclamation mark. Up to five for emphasis.

And then you have the vocal question mark equivalent. Where every statement, no matter how far removed from a question ends on an upward lilt? You know the one I mean. I mean, I mean?

It makes me want to anaesthetise the subject and gently slice out the section of vocal cord responsible for that particular note.

Fatmammycat:
Riker has a number of audio dramatisations of Blyton's works. The kids playing the Gwedolines and Camillas sound like they might well be as nasty as the characters they are portraying.

Or maybe they're just good actors. I fucking doubt it though.

savannah said...

a cautionary tale, sugar? or a new career? :D xoxo

Rosie said...

i have a distressingly vivid memory of making a tearful and sincere apology to my mother for some minor transgression and being even more distraught when she broke her shite laughing at me.

"mammy" i sobbed "i'm sorry i've been such a beast!"

gimme a minute said...

Savannah:
It's social commentary at its most biting.

Yeah, no, I want to be a hitty million selling children's writer and I thought it best to get a little practise in here.

Rosie:
Sounds like you had a not inconsequential case of the Datas.

 
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