Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A newspaper blown through the grass

Wednesday, February 4, 2009
It's not hard to be a friend of Gimme's. Not hard at all. To be my friend you must simply be:

Intelligent. Way, way above what appears to me to be a breathtakingly low average and ideally just a little bit smarter than me. Just a little mind you. I'm easily intimidated.

Not a complete cunt. Note the qualification. Plenty of my count 'em on one hand friends are cunts, but not one thumb of them crosses the line to cunt completeness.

Brilliant. In one way or another. You might be very good at table tennis. You might knit a mean scarf. But there will be at least one thing that you can do that takes my breath away on a regular basis. Well done, you.

Possessed of a high level of moody fuckhead tolerance. Really, you random readers have no idea. Okay, you probably have some idea, but even if you do, you don't. And even if you're one of the friends under discussion, you're probably unaware of just how much tolerance you're showing. If you were aware you wouldn't be nearly so tolerant.

A little bit sexy. Oh yeah. No friend of mine, boy or girl, man nor beast (I have no beast friends) is without a tilt of the head, a sway of the hip or a smile of alluring crookedness that makes the Gimme go 'mmmmm'. What can I tell you? It's the fucked up way I'm built.

Happy to listen to me rant and rave in a manner so bitter, incoherent and down-right nasty as to make the shit that is to be read here on Stranded seem like the collected work of a gleefully re-animated Eleanor H. Potter.

And that's it. Easy, huh?

You'd think I'd have more friends.

13 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

RedLeeroy said...

Do you use a quota system? The ideal number of friends is achieved. One then leaves to start a new life, then you replace him/her with someone equally as jaunty. (after a stringent interview).

Conan Drumm said...

Your friends are but a reflection of you, they shine brighter in your presence, they suffer only by comparison with you as you take the stage.

You're like the much-maligned Richard III, aren't you? "Now is the winter of our discontent.."

gimme a minute said...

Red Leeroy:
That's an accurate summation apart from the leaving to start a new life bit. Generally I just kill them when I get bored.

Conan:
'And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,
I am determined to prove a villain
And hate the idle pleasures of these days.


You're putting a very negative slant on what I read as an extremely positive and loving post.

savannah said...

whatever...

i saw a guy on a bike do that beautiful non-move move...he was superb, sugar, absolutely fucking gorgeous. he had that perfect balance and i was jealous.
xoxoxo

narocroc said...

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Medbh said...

And I thought I had impossibly high standards.

gimme a minute said...

Savannah:
Whatever? Whatever?

What are you, Riker?

Narocroc:
I think I may have gotten a few more out of this post.

Medbh:
Hey, don't revise that opinion on my account.

savannah said...

that's all you saw, sugar? and uh, yeah, today i was riker in response to you. but dude, the move you taught me about the move and i.saw.it.

V said...

Now that you have codified your criteria I can conspire to create the contrary...just to piss you off.

Rosie said...

hug?

gimme a minute said...

Savannah:
It is indeed a thing of beauty.

V:
Oh, I don't think you can help being a brilliant almost total cunt. And as your tolerance is based on obliviousness I doubt there's much you can do about that either.

Rosie:
I'm sure he'll be fine.

V said...

Don't be fooled, you need to work hard to make oblivious look this natural.

gimme a minute said...

V:
Oh, but I am fooled. So very fooled.

 
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