Thursday, February 19, 2009

Softer than shadow

Thursday, February 19, 2009
What is it about my mouth? Why do I think that shoving stuff into it is going to make me feel better? Less angry, less weepy, less massively fucking terrified? I got in from seven am spin and mid-term breakingly went straight for a Whole Nut nap. Since I got up I have eaten: a bowl of muesli and weetabix, a bowl of broccoli pasta, a breast of chicken, a bowl of rice, half a ciabatta with melted cheddar, a bagel with ham and another bowl of muesli and weetabix. There's mostly likely a whole load of other stuff too that my over-carbed brain cannot recall. But I still have a gnawing rumbling in the pit of my gut. I know that it is not hunger. It is fear. Fear it is that needs feeding today.

I'm glad there are no cigarettes in the house. I wish there were cigarettes in the house. I need to keep going with the oral fixation but if I eat so much a mandolined slice of carrot I am going to fucking hurl.

I'm going to try a glass of water and another little cry.

12 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Radge said...

Worms?

Medbh said...

My stomach is churning.
Where can you possibly put all that food?
Maybe some soothing cheeba?

savannah said...

jaysus, sugar! ya'll are makin' ME want a cigarette! how about chewing some gum? drinking water? xoxox

gimme a minute said...

Radge:
Nah, I just ate. But thanks.

Medbh:
While I find coke to be an excellent spin class enhancer, the smokey jokey not so much.

Coca-cola, I mean, of course.

Savannah:
Drinking water? You mean beer?

problemchildbride said...

Don't be tempted by the furniture. However crappy you feel now, feeling crappy with a gobful of splinters will only feel worse. Plus you'll get triaged absolutely last at Accident and Emergency.

fatmammycat said...

All smoking would do would make you feel worse. I think everyone has days where they'd eat the leg of the lamb of jebus, You'll be all right.

Conan Drumm said...

Eery, and not in a good way.

I spent much of yesterday evening ruminating on the subject of fear. This precise kind of fear. Bear up, focus on the good stuff.

Conan Drumm said...

..on the other hand, if it's merely a Lily Allen reference...

Sassy Sundry said...

At least some of it was healthy. I was freaking out a bit this week, and I'm ashamed of the things I ate. Cigarettes. Sigh. I'm with you on that count.

I hope things will get better.

grimsaburger said...

At this point I'd give anything for that rumbly empty-gut sensation, even if it came from intense dread of something big and gnarly. I've had a ravenous appetite for a couple weeks, but eating even the smallest of meals makes me feel like everything between my ribs and hips is going to explode like a giant baby-and-guts fireworks show all over my nice clean carpet.

I never knew one's belly button could ache.

Here's hoping you find a way to fill the pit without bringing on a heart attack or a distended gut.

Kim Ayres said...

Food has been my self medication of choice since I discovered I couldn't cope with hangovers.

Manuel said...

christ I'd love a smoke.......mmmmmmmsmoke.....

 
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