Thursday, April 9, 2009

Minimum, maximum, beats per minute

Thursday, April 9, 2009
I can think of few things more irritating than lifestyle pieces about cunts who are attempting to commute by bicycle for the first time. I'm pretty sure even that sexy bitch Ingle did one once. They're always jolly and 'Oooh look at all the potholes!' and 'My, don't the buses come awfully close!' and 'Didn't I feel wonderfully smug as I passed by the lines of cars!'. These pieces always conclude with the acceptance of the fact that cycling is quicker, healthier and cheaper but that the writer won't ever be doing it again. They have a car!!! Who are they, Eamon Ryan??!! Hahahaha!!!!!

But this one takes the week old cheap Super Valu yellow pack custard cream. An electric bike is not a bike, you fat lazy pig, it's a shitty little scooter. You're not commuting by bike, you're commuting by cunt. You're a fucking menace to both real cyclists and on the upside, to cars. You will have burnt more calories performing your daily out-licking of Geraldine Kennedy on your return to the offices of The Irish Toss. And you did what? You fucking 'paused for a cappuccino'? How did you write that, read it back and not go 'Jesus H. Christ on a rich child's toy, how fucking pompous and cuntish do I sound? A million. A million pompous and cuntish I sound.'

Did diddums's feety weety get wetty betty? When you were outdoors? Moving through the rain? Who the fuck would have seen that coming? If you'd done any sort of research you would have realised how easy this is to remedy, you twat.

And just so you know, 'Tim', the reason you got a puncture is that you went into one of your beloved potholes, like the idiot prick that you are. I guess you were too busy not exercising to pay any attention to what was happening on the road ahead of you. And what kind of coat is that? And have you seen your fucking hair recently?

Should have got a proper bike, 'Tim'. Cheaper, and exactly the fucking same when sat in the garage as you drive to work because cycling an electric bike in the rain is just too hard. But at least you used an ill-thought out and pointless scheme to dick the taxpayer out of a bit of cash, huh?

10 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

grimsaburger said...

"You're not commuting by bike, you're commuting by cunt."

I find this sentence exceedingly pleasing for some reason. Probably because the article begins with this corresponding displeasing sentence:

"Plainly put, I am middle-aged and overweight and while I want to save the planet, I don’t want to do so at the expense of a coronary. "

You know, because regular light exercise the likes of which this 8-months-pregnant woman carrying around 26lbs of extra weight can still do, that's just asking far too much.

spot on said...

so much anger.

at least you do it well.

EolaĆ­ said...

I never liked those articles either - or their equivalent on the box where...actually I can't be bothered even describing those nauseating features.

And I'm not going to move my finger to click on through to that article; instead I'm going to just sit here and wait for the article to come to me.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I was frowning at this as another rant at whatever the fuck piece, until I got to 'commuting by cunt'.

Loved it.

fatmammycat said...

Pfft, you've got basket envy.

Medbh said...

He's choked with privilege alright.

Mr. M accidentally killed a snake while out riding yesterday. Then some woman recklessly pulled out in front of him so that he knocked her side mirror clean off. Most folks are too thick to cope with cycling.

grimsaburger said...

OOoh, killing a snake? That takes some doing, doesn't it? I managed to hit a chipmunk last month, but I only stunned it. I, on the other hand, laughed so hard I could barely maintain bladder control, much less continue to steer a straight course.

Conan Drumm said...

I think he'd find he get to his destination a lot quicker if he attached the battery terminals to his gonads.

Meadow said...

I really wish I had not clicked through to that ...thing. So very much, so very wrong.

Inkwit said...

Aye, that cappuccino pause made me wonder if he was joking. The Irish Times subbing is increasingly sloppy too. "50 to 60km/h" is not a distance, even if you are used to travelling by "care".

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