Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Like a child you whisper softly to me

Tuesday, August 25, 2009
How often do you clear your throat? Stop. Set a stopwatch for, I don't know, two minutes. Count the times. Once? Twice? Many times? Or not at fucking all?

Hans Brinker is a throat clearer, though Hans does not continually clear his throat. He works in bouts. Every ninety seconds or so over the space of about an hour is a popular ratio. But then he'll go maybe two or three hours without a peep. And then he's off again. Reading. Watching telly. Huckch. Pause. Huckch. Pause, pause. Huckch, huckch. It's a beautiful thing. But this is not about Hans. This about this guy.

This guy, he spins. Early forties, at a guess. Good shape, good looking. Probably spends a little too much time on the soon to be illegal sun beds. (Take fucking that, Holy Communion budgets). To all intents and purposes this guy seems normally normal. But when he spins, he clears. He not quite hacks. Loudly, repetitively, almost rhythmically. The music, be it MIA, Meat Loaf or Madonna, at even my favourite ear bleed volume will not drown this clearing out. Tonight a spinning lady who was on the next bike left the class. She could take no more. I saw her point. It must be some kind of condition, conditionally speaking. He doesn't do it when strolling about the gym floor. He doesn't do it as he dries and dresses. But he does it over and over and over again as he spins. So loudly, so consistently. I'm fucked if I'm going to bring it up with him. Soon it'll just be me and this guy in the darkened room, all others driven away by the endless not quite hacking and the ever increasing decibels with which I am attempting to combat it.

HUCKCH. HUCKCH. HUCKCH.

Huckch.

13 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Manuel said...

filthy fucker......reminds me of that fast show character.....not the one that said scorchio or "it's great" the other one.....meh

Rob said...

I only realised how much I do it when my younger son started to imitate me.

I told him to stop and he looked at me as if to say "Well you started it"

Fat Sparrow said...

I have very mild Tourette's, as does the Spouse Sparrow and the two sprogs; throat clearing, sniffing, eye twitching, etc. can all be a part of that. People think it's that stereotype of someone shouting "Feck, arse, gurls!" or some sort, but there's other types. So, as someone who's mental, yeah, he's probably mental. And what's worse, the more you try to control it, the more it's gonna come out. I've been clearing my throat now ever since I read your post, dammit. Feckarsegurls!

Other option, I have asthma, and exercize makes it worse, hence more throat clearing and weird coughing. So maybe your mental guy has asthma, too.

Just neck him.

Radge said...

Worse than Nazi Germany.

Red Leeroy said...

you have to say something, something subtle yet cutting. Vicious yet sympathetic. Huckch yet huckzz.

gimme a minute said...

Manuel:
That hadn't occurred to me but yes, that's the type of noise. It's the otherwise clean cut incongruity that jars.

Rob:
Children. Can't live with 'em, can't send them out chimney cleaning to pay for your crack. Stupid modern mores.

Fat Sparrow:
I think it's probably the asthma option. I'm not sure how steamy spin snogging is going to help though. I don't want him hacking into my gob.

Radge:
Is that one of those generic 'it just goes to show, you can't be too careful' comments?

It works well.

gimme a minute said...

Red Leeroy:
All specific suggestions welcome.

I just know he can't help it, though, that's the problem. I'm pretty sure an outright expulsion would be (as I have mentioned elsewhere) racist or something.

Conan Drumm said...

Is it in any way related to his propinquity to females of the species?

Sniffle said...

it's me - catar - tell her get over it - I can't.

gimme a minute said...

Conan:
It's a reasonable theory given that my classes are definitely more popular with the ladies. But he doesn't seem like the nervous, or even allergic, type.

Sniffle:
Hey, I'm on your side. And most certainly on the side of least confrontation.

Medbh said...

Mr. M's stepmother sniffs sharply, deeply every 20-30 seconds.
I want to SCREAM.

Is it an overproduction of phlegm problem for your spin dude?

BTW, when I was in the internet cafe at the top of Grafton St yesterday, I wasn't allowed to open your blog. It said to contact the attendant if I thought I should be permitted to view your page. Strange.

gimme a minute said...

Medbh:
That'll be The Man, silencing me.

Radge said...

Nah, more of a hungover-hit-the-keys-and-see-what-nonsense-results kind of comment. Must do better.

 
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