Wednesday, September 2, 2009

God is a concept by which we measure our exposure to contagious disease

Wednesday, September 2, 2009
So you know the way I can't give out about the batcrap voodoo shit that goes on in our local neighbourhood primary school? Sure, how can I complain when it was my choice to send them there and not to the nearest non-denominational circus tent seven kilometres away? This is how I can. Just like this:

We got a note home yesterday briefly welcoming the children back, repeating the words 'home' and 'school' three times within the same sentence before eventually getting around to addressing the central topic of how all our offspring are going to die, and horribly. Swine Flu, capital letters, innit? We got served the by now standard syntaxless soup of HSE guidelines (use and bin a tissue for every exhalation, regularly dunk your extremities in sulphuric acid or Campari, your choice), which was quickly followed by the Principal Nuala's primary solution to a global pandemic:

"Let us all offer a collective prayer to God to watch over us all and keep us safe and well."

Let us fucking not, Nuala. Because that's not going to help is it? What with God being a big fucking lie, who, due to that whole not existing thing, is incapable of singling out one Dublin primary school for preferential no diseasey treatment. If the front line response to killer plagues continues to be an Our fucking Father, we might as well just mass produce a new strain of Rat Flu and inject it into our kids as they brush their teeth in the morning. A better plan, at least for the Gimme household, would be to break the whole Santa/Tooth Fairy truth to Data, deal with the tears and then have an excellent comparison with which to demonstrate Jesus' lack of giving a fuck way one way or another and how it might be better to rely on sound scientific theory when dealing with life's endless dangers and stresses. All for the best.

P fucking S Nuala, if it's a collective prayer, then the sentence doesn't need the 'all'. You illiterate cavecunt.

11 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Twenty Major said...

Yes, like a mass before the Leaving Cert to pray that the children get good results.

So if they do then God has done his work. If they don't they're lazy little cunts who didn't study enough.

fatmammycat said...

Right on!*

*Remembers Gimmie and Common Law have many years ahead of them-twice, goes to gym feeling grateful for relative peace and quiet and lowered blood pressure*


Twenty, let us all inhale the spirit deep within ourselves and exhale releasing the tension and anger that bedevils us, in....and out. * shudders*

Kel D said...

I love the way the religious cast God as someone who has not noticed suffering... or is watching it completely unstirred until petitioned.

What goes on in their heads? God is an archetype for how THEY view the world, don't they understand it is embarrassing that He seems to be a thoughtless loser the way they tell it?

Rob said...

No matter how old I get, or how many of the deepest darkest recesses of the internet I stumble blindly into, I will never, ever laugh as much as I did when I read the following, completely sincere "Blast" on a yahoo 360 page;

"Hi, I'm Jess and I am so in love with Jesus right now"

Theists; dey b funnee

gimme a minute said...

Twenty Major:
They're just as God made them, you know.

Fatmammycat:
The rosary's good for tension relief.

'To thee do we send up our sighs,
mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.'

And shuddering.

Kel D:
They ought to cast him as the hugely camp token gay next door neighbour in a doomed sitcom pilot.

Just because.

Rob:
This is the very reason I find myself bitterly disappointed by my lack of theist commenters.

Conan Drumm said...

Dear Common Law,

Its delightfull as ever to have little Gimme back at school again. It will take the now customery too weeks for him to settle down after wich we are sure his manners will improve. In my experience it is always the brightest lads who find it hard to re-adjust to the classroom. I would ask you again to remenstrate with him on the vexed RE issue - he really should learn respect for other's beliefs if he is to get on the the world with God's help. This is a basic principal of the school,

Nuala

ps I will correct his grammar when we all have some time for collective reflection.

gimme a minute said...

Conan:
Nice catch. Bastard.

Manuel said...

ha! did you see that bit on the news (northern news that is) about the twat teenager who has drunk himself near to death? well his liver is kaboot and they wont give him another one....but no need to worry as big Ian Paisley and his charming wife popped along to see him in the hospital and pray with him....no worries there then, no liver but prayers...

bet he's fucking chuffed....

Medbh said...

Don't you expect bad grammar from the jeebus freaks?

Wisewebwoman said...

Epicurus Said:

If God is willing to prevent evil, but is not able to

Then he is not omnipotent.

If he is able, but not willing

Then he is malevolent.

If he is both able and willing

Then whence cometh evil?

If he is neither able nor willing

Then why call him God?

I'd like to see this beaten into the heads of Nualas everywhere.
XO
WWW

Pyjamas Cat said...

"Let us all offer a collective prayer to God to watch over us all and keep us safe and well."

Let us fucking not, Nuala. Because that's not going to help is it? What with God being a big fucking lie, who, due to that whole not existing thing, is incapable of singling out one Dublin primary school for preferential no diseasey treatment

diseasey... laughed at this a good while.

 
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