Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day is done, gone the sun

Thursday, October 15, 2009
Riker has started Girl Guides. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Except that I do. I feel uneasy. Very, very uneasy. She got her Guide book yesterday and contained within is just a little bit too much of that God shit of which I am so not a fan. I fear that what with this and all the compulsory gobbledegook that they're feeding her in school we may soon have a full fledged Christian on our hands. I wrote n/a under "religion" in the form we had to fill out but I bet that won't stop them.

"Tie the knot, Riker, but tie it with Jesus' love."

"Help the old lady cross the street, but don't worry if you fuck it up and she gets pulverised by an oncoming truck as she will be with the angels all the sooner."

"Light the camp fire, Riker, and let it burn the heresy in your soul. And then let it burn all the heretics, starting with your father."

But enough about Riker. Let's talk about me.When I lived in Britland as a child there were no normal Scout troops in my area. and so I was enlisted in the Boys Brigade. Essentially Hitler Youth for the Orange Order. I have no memory of attending meetings but I do retain a strong mental image of the uniform, sash and all. There I stand in the mirror, fat, bespectacled and ready to slay the filthy Micks. Given my outrageous Irish accent and clearly shouldered burden of Catholic guilt one has to wonder why I was even permitted to enter the Parish Hall. And when one wonders, one must inevitably come to the conclusion that they saw fit to use me as the supreme leader of a fifth column, sent back to Ireland as a sleeper agent, to be awakened by a haunting melody in the fashion of the Final Five so that I might bomb the fuck out of Dublin's city centre before going down in a hail of FCA bullets. It's coming folks. And soon. The only question remaining is what tune will set me off?

I'm guessing something from the new Chris de Burgh album, but I'm open to suggestions.

16 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Kim Ayres said...

We had a friend tell Meg that her grandma, who died recently, was now with the angels.

What the hell am I supposed to say to my daughter who still believes in Santa Claus?

I empathise, Gimme.

Alice said...

Same boat. My daughter was commenting on my husband's birthday cake we had made together. She said, "It's perfect...I mean, it's beautiful... nobody's perfect." I giggled, thinking it was another cute saying she picked up.

"Where did you hear that?" I asked innocently.

"Miss Marylin. She says only god is perfect." What was once cute, now makes me want to vomit.

Cannot wait until we are out of preschool. The only ones around me are affiliated with churches.

savannah said...

wow, our own manchurian candidate. i'm guessing it's going to be an enya tune, sugar. xoxoxo

problemchildbride said...

I was a Girl Guide and a Brownie too and I think you'll agree I'm as fine an example of a human bean as you will ever find driving my car. You've not a worry, Gimme, nope, nary a one.

I think your trigger song has to be "Barney is a dinosaur from our imaginations..."

I should stop now. I risk doing something that would strip me of all my girl-Guide badges and I had to go through some pretty boring shit to get some of them. I can't lose them now.

Fat Sparrow said...

Hahaha, you've been holding out! And here you could have been teaching me to sing "The Sash." Or is that your trigger song?

The Spouse Sparrow says to tell you that for sleeper cells, the Queen gives out trigger/code words in her Christmas Day speech. Tune in at 3 and find out.

The Girl Guides/Scouts are pussies. I was in the Camp Fire Girls, and while the Girl Scouts were learning to knit doilies and help old people, we were learning how to skin critters and track food for when the world ended. We regularly kicked the crap out of the Girl Scouts; the moneyed, snotty cunts were always sure to have some loose cash on them. And the Camp Fire Girls don't have any of that nonsense about banning atheists, gays, non-Christians, what-have-you, unlike the Scouts. And since the mid-70's, they take boys, too. With no religious crap, I might add again. Sure, there's a lot of Native American/Pagan-type stuff about respecting the earth and all that, but that seems to have become fairly trendy nowadays, even.

I know there were Camp Fire Girls in the UK in the 40's and 50's, we did a report on them. I suppose they died out over there because the Brits seem to be seriously lacking in the whole having Native Americans thing.

We already decided that the Nestling Sparrow will not be allowed to join any of that indoctrinary fooforaw, from Cub Scouts to Scientology it's all the same. We prefer to indoctrinate him ourselves, thank you very much.

And I'll be damned if he goes to any religious education classes in school, either. If he wants to learn about the fairy tales and myths of indigenous peoples he can fucking well go on Sunday with the rest of them, and after he's moved out of our house. I like my church and my state separate, so I do.

gimme a minute said...

I recently observed a conversation between Christians on Common Law's Sitonyfacebook page. They were discussing whether it was okay to lie to one's children and Santa came up.

Someone said: "You either believe in Santa or you believe in Jesus. I believe in Jesus, he's real."

Nobody seemed to grasp the contradiction.

All those perfect genocides, famines and natural disasters. Praise the Lord.

Only if they're trying to trigger self-harm.

If Barney is the trigger I'd have blown my load before now. So to speak.

But perhaps they just set me up to be a rage-filled ball of inaction. Damn you, Boys Brigade!

Fat Sparrow:
I think I too would have been more suited to the Camp Fire Girls. Or perhaps the Camp Boys.

Radge said...

There was a charming little ditty in American History X, sung by the fat-lad with the blackface allergy...

"My eyes have seen the glory of the..."

I don't recall the rest, but that'll probably set you off nicely.

fatmammycat said...

Mary's boy child ought to do it.

Conan Drumm said...

Surely it's "Land of Hope and Glory..."

We had the Ladybirds-Brownies-Guides thing, nothing seems to have stuck... unless there's a trigger phrase deeply embedded.

"Come in, Brown Owl!"

Sniffle said...

They read n/a as “ not agnostic” .
Dice – loaded – start.

SaS said...

Chris de Bluerrgh would be enough to make anyone homicidal. And don't worry about being mown down in a hail of FCA bullets cos they don't have any...

gimme a minute said...

If my conversion is as unconvincing as that of Mr Norton I don't hold much hope for the success of my mission.

Jesus Christ!

Any day now. I for one welcome our Brownie overlords.

I forget the movie song...

That's what you think. Our own Kent State in is the post.

And while I sincerely welcome your first comment, let's not diss the Chris.

stipes said...

like a rolling stone-
from the 23rd bootleg, coming soon, there IS a difference.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

Wow, the BB! I was in The Girls' Brigade and yes, it was a little, em, militant, and super-Prod. Mostly I remember having to wear white knickers under a ridiculously short tunic, and doing lots of skipping, which in hindsight seems a touch wrong.

gimme a minute said...

Ah, the snowflake of songs.

Yeah, just a touch.

Rosie said...

i was a girl guide for all of two weeks. got the scutter-brown uniform and the beret, got the guidebook, learned the salute. went to a meeting and on a weekend trip, cried til i puked, didn't have to go again.


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