Thursday, November 12, 2009

The sun is the same, in a relative way, but you're older

Thursday, November 12, 2009
There is a temporal disturbance in the corner of my kitchen. In the little alcove above the dysfunctional dishwasher sits Microwave II. Microwave I, fatally wounded by my nine minute reheating of a plate of pasta for nine minutes, died one sad day six months later with a weak flash. I was not all that unhappy about this. Its digital clock had always been fast, inching ahead of real time by about 10 seconds a day. I got used to performing the necessary mental arithmetic and when I forgot, or the arithmetic was too hard, I was ahead of schedule. early. And I like to be early. But every six weeks or so, Common Law would correct it and I would become horribly confused. And late. And I don't like to be late. So I made Microwave I break. Enter Microwave II, a microwave too. And guess what? Microwave II has started running fast.

It's more subtle this time. 5 seconds a week? Something like that. But it's definitely happening. Coincidence? I think not. I believe in this digital age with all its wondrous rectangles, and digital clocks don't run fast. I am left with only one sketchable conclusion: temporal anomaly.

I'm going to remove Microwave II and climb in there, into the vortex. It shouldn't be more than a couple of months before I'm far enough ahead. The loss of income and necessity of hiring of a staff to both tend to me and do all the shit I do for the children, will be more than made up for when I call out the winning lotto numbers to Common Law.

I'm going to do some yoga now. It's a pretty small alcove.

20 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Manuel said...

oooooh check you and your fancy digital display microwave.... I have a hamster in a box on a wheel that powers a dynamo.....true story....

ok it;s not a hamster, it's friendly rat....

savannah said...

i never use the microwave clock for telling time for that very reason! it's simply a timing device for the operation of the microwave. xoxoox

Kim Ayres said...

Just thought I'd pop back from your future, via our DVD player's internal clock and let you know whatever happens, don't buy that valentines day card - get the other one instead. Trust me, you'll thank me for it

Rosie said...

our microwave doesn't have a clock. if it did, i suspect it would be analogue.

Alice said...

For some reason I'm thinking of a "movie of the week" where a woman discovers she is schizophrenic because none of her clocks can ever keep the proper time and all her light bulbs burn out quickly...or something like that...but I'm sure that's not the case for you.

Medbh said...

We had three clocks in the Toronto kitchen, all of them off within a ten minute range.
There are no clocks in the kitchen here in the rental so I may have a bit of peace.

K8 the Gr8 said...

It's probably just a vortex in that corner of the kitchen, caused by the pesky Indian burial ground. You should put the kettle there instead - I hear possessed coffee is absolutely yum.

gimme a minute said...

Manuel:
A Siberian hamster, surely?

Savannah:
You appear to be pooh poohing my plan. I'm sticking to my temporal anomaly guns.

Kim Ayres:
I appreciate that, Kim. I didn't need those lottery numbers. Much.

Rosie:
Check you out. I suppose it's Swiss made?

Alice:
You're not that sure are you?

Medbh:
I like to have at least three clocks within visual range.

K8:
It would explain Data constantly climbing into the microwave.

Fat Sparrow said...

I'd invest in a surge protector for your microwave, or start saving up for a new microwave. While you're at it, get one for the fridge, too.

Speaking from experience, your electricity is wonky. Yes, that is the technical term.

Kim Ayres said...

Believe me, the lottery numbers would be worthless anyway if you don't take my advice...

Common Law said...

FMC - that's interesting. The old microwave went out in an unspectacular non blaze of glory one day. My ex washing machine fixing brother said the flux capacitor or some such had gone and probably wasn't worth fixing unless microwave the first had been very expensive. So that's probably why. Now to find out about surge protectors....

Fat Sparrow said...

Common Law -- Trust me on the sunscreen, no wait, surge protectors. Our old place was built in 1962 (positively ancient for Southern California) and I lost a microwave to it. I noticed the fridge was cycling a lot and so I got a really good surge protector for both the fridge and the microwave, and didn't have any problems after. The fridge (which was new) ran a lot quieter, too. You probably already have the computer hooked up to a surge protector but if the TV's not on one, get a good one for that, too. It really does make a world of difference when it comes to extending the life of your appliances. Check out the rating and get as high a rating as you want/can afford.

I don't know about over there but over here in the States the ones I got for the fridge and the microwave just plugged directly in to the wall outlet, no cords involved.

Common Law said...

Fat sparrow- we have no surge protectors of any kind on any appliance. I'm looking into it though. Apparently it's the same plug it into the plug deal. What's fridge cycling?

Common Law said...

Oh, and I fixed the time on the microwave this morning!

Fat Sparrow said...

Common Law -- Fridge cycling is when your refrigerator goes on and off for the cooling cycle to maintain the temperature. You can usually hear it go on and off at night when the house is quiet. The older the fridge, the noisier it is. It's just part of the normal operation of the fridge. However, when the electrics in your house are wonky, that can make the fridge cycle more which will wear out your fridge faster. Not good. Also, that increases your electricity bill, if your fridge is cycling more than it should.

I'm a big fan of surge protectors. About every 3 or 4 years we would get a lightning strike that would take out the transformer on the electricity pole outside our house, in a blinding flash of blue light that would make us think our alien overlords were landing. Thanks to the surge protectors, we didn't have to buy new appliances, and the neighbors did.

Also, don't know about over there, but over here our electricity would go out a lot and so for the computer we had a surge protector that had a built-in battery backup that would let you shut down the computer even after the power had gone out. It cost a couple hundred dollars but it was worth it, for me.

kiki said...

so, do you throw shit out? or are you a hoarder?

Postman said...

An amusing and enlightening post, good sir. I've cast a critical eye over some of the rest of your blog, and I believe you deserve a little recognition.

In fact, I'm willing to give it to you. I hereby nominate you for the Superior Scribbler Award. Head on over to my blog if you wish to accept.

Anonymous said...

It was rather interesting for me to read this blog. Thanks for it. I like such topics and everything that is connected to this matter. I would like to read a bit more on that blog soon.

gimme a minute said...

Kiki:
I am a reformed hoarder. Common Law beat it out of me so that there might be room for her far more committed hoarding.

Postman:
I am genuinely honoured but must disaccept with the excuse of your own chain-letter logic.

But really, thanks.

Anonymous:
Aren't you supposed to leave me a blue pill link? I feel let down, if you'll excuse the pun.

Postman said...

I imagined you would. I expect nothing less. Good job for sticking to your principles (unlike me, the recognition-whore). Keep up the good work.

 
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