Monday, November 23, 2009

But I never got to Kiev

Monday, November 23, 2009
All the injustice. All the man-made misery. The Man made misery. Fat cat bankers, property wankers. So much to inspire my ire and yet nothing in my admittedly sozzled short-term memory has aroused in me such revulsion, such rage, such bitterness as the following two sentences:

'Jedward: they inspire some with revulsion, shame and hate on the one hand but I think it’s fair to say that the majority in Ireland admire and love them. I’m in this later camp and am very sad that they’re gone.'

Yes, yes, we all know that Gimme is the most boring of grammar Nazis, the most pedantic of syntax stormtroopers. You know this, I know this. And thus with this knowing, I want to wrench these forty-one words from their weeping. hysterical parents, as they crouch as a family, self-shitting on an overcrowded cattle train. I wish to wrench so that I might gas. Gas the fuck out of them, until with much eyeball gouging by filthy, ragged fingernails, with hearty heart-stopping howls, they die a slow, agonising, richly deserved death, These words, these words come from a post entitled 'The genius of Jedward'. The. Genius. Of. Jedward.

Dude, if a dude you are, and not some demon sent to fill my life with meaningless meaning, know that they do not inspire with revulsion, shame and hate. They inspire these emotions in the righteous, the brain-celled, the true. They inspire with banality, with a lack of even the most basic vocal or kinetic talent, with a summation of all that is wrong with our popular culture.

And know that you cannot have just one hand. Or perhaps you can, but you should then hack it off with a mouth-grasped rusty axe, before hurling your neck upon said axe so that this class of language sin may be committed no longer, no, not even with one of those Christopher Nolan head stick thingamajigs.

And know that it is not "fair to say that". It is, in fact, idiotic to say that. Not merely because were the sentiment itself to be true it would indicate that Ireland as a nation is truly beyond redemption, but also because you don't want to say "the majority in Ireland'" you want to say "the majority of people in Ireland". Or "the majority of Irish people". Or "fluffy pink newborn Koala bears". I pray to the God in whom I do not trust that you do not want to say something so offensive to eye and ear. And speaking of the go-to-guy with the beard,

Know that good fucking Jesus on a hideously ugly, offensively slow Yike, it's fucking latter. Latter. LATTER. Can you hear me Berlin? IT'S FUCKING LATTER!

Before I began, I mused that this measured monologue might make me feel better.


13 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Twenty Major said...

I have never watched Jedward because I fail to understand this whole 'Let's watch shit TV so we can Twitter it or LiveBlog©® it' thing but I can, probably, understand why people are entertained by them.

There is no doubt, however, that they are to genius what Cork is, at this moment in time, to drought.

Radge said...

Tried to link to this in a post but the poxy thing wouldn't work because etc ad nauseam etc...

I endorse this blog entry.

Rosie said...

i'd never heard of them til Riker sat me down at your laptop and played a medley of her favourite youtubed Jedward for me. she's got your sense of humour.

Postman said...

Maybe it didn't help you, but it sure made me feel better. It's good to know that I'm not the only grammarshal out there.

I humbly apologize. I should spell it out as "grammar marshal," shouldn't I?

Oh, and by the bye, I proofread this about five times.

gimme a minute said...

I fail to understand this whole 'Let's watch shit TV so we can Twitter it or LiveBlog©® it' thing

Cough McSavage cough.

Do you have a stamp?

This post is not about Jedward, though it's unusually kind of you to pretend that it is.

And I spent five minutes confirming that "by the bye" is as acceptable as "by the by".

I win, in a loser way.

Twenty Major said...

That was a spur of the moment decision and an act of public service.

Manuel said...

to my eternal shame i got caught up in the whole thing last evening....

that's all I wanted to's like a confessional thing

Radge said...

Nah, they took it away from me after my last 'party political broadcast.'

I just use crayons now.

Medbh said...

Lovely alliteration in the last sentence, grammar scold.

gimme a minute said...

If today's post inspires his hideous murder, then it will have been public service indeed.

Your penance: three God Delusions and an Origin of the Species.

There should be a crayon font. And of course there is.

I can't shake it. Mostly cause I'm right.

Red Leeroy said...

I live in a flimsy glass house when it comes to this grammar business.

I do however want to get the gent who does the voice over for x-factor to read this blog aloud as I take a dump.

gimme a minute said...

Red Leeroy:
How about Barry Scott? I've made him an offer for the audio book.

Not a very big offer. He's getting back to me.

Red Leeroy said...

yeah I could handle some Barry BANG BANG BANG BANG Scott BANG etc etc

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