Monday, December 7, 2009

If I should stay I would only be in your way

Monday, December 7, 2009
Anonymous said... U miserable fuck I hope u die in your sleep!
Oh yes, she or he did. And having finally received what I hope we can all agree is essentially a death threat, albeit a very kind and generous one, I believe the time has come for me to either give up this bleughing malarkey before my ultra-secret black Brit carpet-muncher identity is revealed, exposing me to all manner of increasingly cunning assassination attempts, or to dump the nippers and spend the resultant expenditure reduction on a round-the-clock, steely-eyed yet palsied-paunched protector named Philip. And having given up the Go Me! game so many times before, it would be a little humiliating to once more throw in this threadbare towel only to pick up it up again in a week or two when I find myself with nothing better to do. So Bridge Crew jettisoning it shall be. Anyone want two ageing, and only slightly soiled girl children? Sure you do, they're dead cute, if less so with every day that passes.

But guess, folks, guess who the fuck wants me so peacefully dead? What post might have garnered such a mortal menace? One of my ad hominem attacks on poor old Darragh Doyle? An unreasonable rant re golf? Or who would have fucking thunk it, a well reasoned argument against the continued pumping of time and cash into a dead language? Yup, had to be. Rule of threes, innit? And because this gal or guy loves the Gaeilge so much, he or she has fucked off to Australia, presumably to troll from a distance while spreading the good tidings that the Irish language is alive and well and what's this, living in fucking Melbourne. Home soon though, home soon to kill me in my sleep.

'Bring it on,' says Philip.

18 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Radge said...

I wish I was important enough to be threatened with sleep death.

Common Law said...

'Sure you do, they're dead cute, if less so with every day that passes.' - You're in big trouble buddy.

Postman said...

People overreact about the oddest stuff on this here Internet thingy. I see a lot of comments like this...on discussion board threads with seemingly innocuous titles like "If I were a pony."

Oh, by the way, that was piece about the deadness of the Irish language. "Interesting" here having the meaning of "profane, surprising and wickedly entertaining to read."

gimme a minute said...

"If you will it, it is no dream."

Common Law:
You'll have to get past Philip.

Well, thank you.

And what the fuck do you men by that pony remark, you fucking Nazi?

Rosie said...

my offer to help them (and you) with their homework still stands.

and the obnoxious Gaeilge post still offends. you need a new song to sing, Dolly.

Medbh said...

Will it sound trite to say that you're making a mistake to give up the blog?
Well then.

Conan Drumm said...

It's probably that fucker from the ad with his tin of Irish soil.

I'm guessing Philip is Santa Claus this year?

gimme a minute said...

So you're saying you want me dead? Nice.

Oh, I'll never stop now. I'm feeling all invigorated.

That would make a lot of sense. No one's scarier than Santa.

fatmammycat said...

Pfft, try advancing the idea that some narky healer on disabiliity from Ballyfermot might not have a direct line to a dead woman from Nazareth and see what happens. Poetry Gimmie, you might end up having to read poetry.
Ya dunn't know yer born ya dunn't.

Twenty Major said...

Irish, as a language, sounds like it is being spoken by people trying desperately not to swallow a large handful of spunk covered minstrels.

gimme a minute said...

Colour me suitably pfffted.

You really should publish those.

Easy for you to say, with Bastardface as guard dog.

They should introduce that description into the new legislation.

Andrew said...

Live by the sword, die by the sword, innit? On the one or two occasions that I've set out to be deliberately offensive (or provocative, at best) I've found that there's always a crazy out there to take it to the next level.


stipes said...

I think that death-in-your-sleep threat may have been meant for Sam. Or maybe not.

gimme a minute said...

Not just now, I've got all kinds of scabies.

Mostly maybe not. I think I've got the miserable fuckitude covered on that particular page.

And please don't be making stuff not about me.

Manuel said...

that's some shit agus bullshit right there....oh how I envy your death threat....the best I ever got was emails from disturbed real ale're a lucky guy

Jennikybooky said...

I got a comment the other day from Anonymous. It just said "I.R.A."

I may or may not be losing sleep over this. What does it MEAN? Import Risk Assessment? The Illinois Restaurant Association?? I need answers!

And now I find out he's over here fuckin with you as well?

gimme a minute said...

I know it. Though now I feel I deserve a stalker too. But not a real ale one.

Oh he's everywhere, chucking our law all over the place.

Manuel said...

yeah but you'd be able to smell them before you saw them...terrible smelly people...

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