Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dedicate them all to me

Wednesday, March 31, 2010
"Oh Daddy, you're such a cunt!"

These are perhaps not the words one would ideally like to hear from the mouth of one's eleven year old daughter. But why is that? What the fuck is it about swearing and children?

Personally, and you may be shocked to hear this, I was an early swearer. In much the same way as I do not remember not breathing or not reading, I do not remember a time when, having been once again fucked over by the world, I did not feel the need to turn the air blue. Where I learned all these wonderful words remains something of a mystery to. There was no profanity on telly when I was eight, not like today with your frackin' this and your frackin' that, and my raising grandmother's most filthy phrase was "Jesus, Mary and Joseph". Nobody at school spoke to me so it seems unlikely that I picked it up there. In truth, I believe I was born with a motherfucker already blossoming upon my lips.

Eldest daughter Riker, she be no Gimme. We watched 'Stand By Me' together recently so I do know that she's aware of "shit", "shut the fuck up" and 'suck my fat one". As to the Major's favourite swear, she has informed me that she knows the C word but it turns out, disappointingly enough, that she was referring to "crap". But not unlike her mother, Riker just doesn't seem like the cursing type. It's hard to imagine a scenario that would draw from her so much as a 'Fiddlesticks!'.

Data, on the other hand, has a lot more of the Gimme about her. She needs these words, my second born, and the sooner she is taught them and then uses them to dissipate some of her stored rage, the better for us all. It would be wrong, I suppose, to take her aside tomorrow morning as she rails and rages against the injustice of not being allowed to bring both her blanky and her duvet to the breakfast table, and explain that if she would only take the time to employ the phrase "motherfucking shitting cock cunt" right in her father's face, she would surely feel a whole lot better. It would be wrong in that Common Law would not be happy. In every other way, it would be so very, very right.

6 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Conan Drumm said...

You bad man. If your baba says "cunt" in school there'll be an international incident.

Medbh said...

Is your heating off as well, since Data's wearing her bed to the breakfast table?
I have so many layers on right now it looks like I'm wearing a fat suit.

Ellie said...

have you forgotten that Riker reported your use of Twenty's favourite word to me while you were experiencing a bad case of road rage?

gimme a minute said...

They'll smash my windows and bring their children to protest outside my house with big signs that say "He said CUNT. Won't someone think of the children?"

Yes, our heating is off but only because I'm cheap.

You should burn the furniture until they get it fixed.

I said "motherfucker", I did not say "cunt". And you're one to talk with your patent inability to curb the verbal enthusiasms of your foul-mouthed toy boy.

Common Law said...

But she has done so well making up her own swear words. May I introduce the world to 'stoody'.

Ellie said...

Well she told me it was the 'C' word. I'm inclined to believe her.

Yes, well, the youth of today are uncontrollable.

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