Congratulate your fellow nominees! Link to the sponsors! Don't take a shit, smear it on a postcard and send it to that mildly famous guy's ex-best friend's new boyfriend with a little note in the corner saying "Can you fucking believe that mildly famous guy turned anyone to cock, even indirectly?"!
And now the latest:
'Clap for everyone, please. We all deserve a clap for working hard on our blogs.'
I do not fucking see that. If, in the darkest of nights, you smashed all the eco friendly light bulbs in my house and used the shards to tattoo, in braille, the words 'Jesus but some lady must have really shat on a certain Limerick man from quite the fucking height' directly onto my corneas, I could not see it less. Lots of people work hard. Jeffrey Dahmer worked hard. Take it from me, dismembering is not an easy job. Do I, I mean does Jeffrey, deserve a clap? Do, oh let the nightmare not come true, culch.ie deserve a clap? The clap, to go for the cheapest available joke, sure. But a clap? No, I say, and again no.
And then there's the sheer volume of clapping required. There are 22 awards. Twenty fucking two. I assume one is required to slam the hams both when the winner is announced and after they have given their lengthy speech. Not being American, I will not be clapping myself or my speech, yet that still leaves 42 rounds of applause. There is no way my delicate fucking aristocratic palms can take that much pounding.
Decisions, then. Who to applaud? It seems so unfair to single anyone out that I believe I must settle for eating a whole lot of plant food and allowing the chemicals to decide. I really am looking forward to this. I hope to see you there, though I'd much rather you didn't see me.