Friday, March 26, 2010

Kill the headlights and put it in neutral

Friday, March 26, 2010
These blog awards are pretty fucking ruley, aren't they?

Congratulate your fellow nominees! Link to the sponsors! Don't take a shit, smear it on a postcard and send it to that mildly famous guy's ex-best friend's new boyfriend with a little note in the corner saying "Can you fucking believe that mildly famous guy turned anyone to cock, even indirectly?"!

And now the latest:

'Clap for everyone, please. We all deserve a clap for working hard on our blogs.'

I do not fucking see that. If, in the darkest of nights, you smashed all the eco friendly light bulbs in my house and used the shards to tattoo, in braille, the words 'Jesus but some lady must have really shat on a certain Limerick man from quite the fucking height' directly onto my corneas, I could not see it less. Lots of people work hard. Jeffrey Dahmer worked hard. Take it from me, dismembering is not an easy job. Do I, I mean does Jeffrey, deserve a clap? Do, oh let the nightmare not come true, deserve a clap? The clap, to go for the cheapest available joke, sure. But a clap? No, I say, and again no.

And then there's the sheer volume of clapping required. There are 22 awards. Twenty fucking two. I assume one is required to slam the hams both when the winner is announced and after they have given their lengthy speech. Not being American, I will not be clapping myself or my speech, yet that still leaves 42 rounds of applause. There is no way my delicate fucking aristocratic palms can take that much pounding.

Decisions, then. Who to applaud? It seems so unfair to single anyone out that I believe I must settle for eating a whole lot of plant food and allowing the chemicals to decide. I really am looking forward to this. I hope to see you there, though I'd much rather you didn't see me.

6 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Conan Drumm said...

Sounds like an irony-free zone, or band camp, or something even worse.

Adie said...

The blog awards thing may not be all that but damn if it hasn't given you cause to come back fighting.

So I'll thank the sponsors for that....

Adie said... using a lyric from "Loser" as a byline is a great touch.

If you win, you so have to do a Sally Field stylee on it

gimme a minute said...

It's okay, I'm bringing the ironing down with me.

If I win? If I win? How very dare you.

I mean, thanks.

problemchildbride said...

You gunna win, brudda. Make it Gimmeish. I'm in New Orleans just getting up at the crack of noon and that means it's 7ish your time or somethink. Gonna get me some green fairy and raise it Erinwards to yooz. Have fun!

Postman said...

I tried to resist. Honestly I did. I said to myself, "These fucking awards are just the No Child Left Behind program applied to the blogosphere. I ain't doin' it." I crossed my arms and told the award to go to hell. Honest. But then I got another. And another. And another. And it suddenly seemed like, well, I was shouting at trick-or-treaters, or refusing people my autograph. Or not baking cookies for people who baked ME cookies.

You see what I mean? I couldn't help it. I just couldn't help it, dammit. I think I did pretty well. I only gave you one. ONE. I actually went out and found some other blogs to follow just so I could avoid giving you any more. Don't I at least get some credit for that?

(The American is NOT going to clap after his speech.)

◄Design by Pocket