Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I wish I could write you a melody so plain

Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Twice, fucking twice, in the past three hours people have called to my door, taken one look at me and asked to talk to my mum. I am almost 36. I have a beard. A job. Two school going children.

I should take this as a compliment, I suppose. But really, I don't believe that they're asking to talk to my mother because they think I'm young. I believe they're asking to talk to my mother because they think I'm the retarded grown up son who in the good old days of yore would have been too busy being buggered in a state institution to come and answer the door to gutter peddling fat guys. I have the look of a special child granted too much freedom by our overly permissive society. I am Lenny. I am Boo. I am Forrest. I am Frank Cornish's older brother, all grown up. I am Algernon, but before he got the crayon stuck up his nose. It's the hair, I'd say, or the Easter egg smeared face. Or the vacant, yet haunted, eyes.

Next time this happens I'm going to drop one shoulder, grimace up my face and loudly groan 'Mummy! Mummy! The bad man touching Gimme! The bad man touching!'. That ought to enhance my sullied neighbourhood reputation.

15 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Rosie said...

i thought you were almost 37. so it could be worse.

fatmammycat said...

Well that NEVER happens to me so suck it up babyface.

gimme a minute said...

Yeah, thanks.

That's Retardface to you.

Manuel said...

I AM 37 and it hasn't happened to me...probably ever...sake...

Fat Sparrow said...

Look on the bright side, you get your hole, you have 2 great kids, and you gt to pass of the door-knocking sales-scum to CL. Win-win, really.

I do sympathize. I got carded til I was 37, I was 21 and knocked up with the Fledgling and having to defend myself to little old ladies who thought I was 12. People still ask if she's my sister.

However, no one has yet thought I was retarded. Either that, or I was just too dumb to notice.

Have you thought about taking advantage of the situation? You know, signing up for stuff and then claiming you weren't all there, so you shouldn't have to pay for it?

Medbh said...

Christ, Fat Sparrow, could you refrain from referring to Common Law as a fucking hole? I know you think it's jokey and cute, but it isn't. It's just a way to insult women.

Rosie said...


does nobody want to wade in, tap mighty Queen Medbh on the shoulder and suggest that she should refrain from responding to other people's comments to push her own agendas? i can't claim to know what she thinks, but i suspect she might think it's heroic. it's not. it's patronising and rude.

emordino said...

Deliberately skewing the words of others for shits and giggles is probably something I've been guilty of in the past, so let's let that slide. But oh my I do find that brand of feminism ironic that turns "Women" into some monolithic entity and ascribes all sorts of opinions and tastes and standards of offense to it. You go on fighting the good fight, sugartits, because lord knows the poor ickle darlings can't speak for themselves.

Medbh said...

My own agenda?
What, going on the wacky notion that women shouldn't use language that demeans other women?
How radical of me.

I consider Common Law a friend. She's not a "hole" in cutesy porn slang.

fatmammycat said...

I think this is a mix up of language and expressions.
Medbh, to 'get your hole' is just an real Irish expression meaning to have sex. It doesn't mean Birdie thinks CL is a hole.

Wouldn't it have been easier to perhaps explain the expression and the meaning behind it without calling Medbh 'Queen Medbh' and 'Sugartits?'What are we? 10?

Andrew said...

It's not "porn slang", it's a very, very common Irish euphemism for sex. I know plenty of women who use it in that way. Lapcats of the Patriarchy, presumably.
Strikes me that Medbh has managed to belittle three women in her two comments. Well played.

Ellie said...

I find my youthful looks quite useful when trying to get my hole. It bagged me my toy boy after all.

(Interestingly enough the verification word is 'mingo' which might the interweb's way of telling me it had nothing to do with my looks)

emordino said...

Consider me contrite re: the sugartits. Youthful exuberance. But goodness, I am further perturbed:

(Captcha: mothsh. Sean Connery's been at the servers again.)

Fat Sparrow said...

Whatever. It's not the first time that Medbh's had a problem with me, and I doubt it will be the last. Whether or not she's familiar with Irish/Norn Irish slang is well and truly beside the point.

What, is no one going to go all PC and get after us for saying "retard"? What if I went full retard? Would I get the Oscar then? Let's get it out there.

Voodoolady said...

Ha, sugartits.

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