Friday, April 2, 2010

You're far too keen on where and how, but not so hot on why

Friday, April 2, 2010
To pray The Way of the Ridiculous Weather Cycle requires only that you meditate before each station. Before each station you may say: "We adore you, O Gimme, and we bless you, because by your holy bicycle, you have redeemed the world. Kind of."

I. Gimme condemned. To going for a cycle.

II. Gimme gets on His Drek.

III. Gimme goes "Motherfucker!" for the first time.

IV. Gimme meets Mr M.

V. Mr M. says he's just going to go at Gimme's pace. Mr M. always says that.

VI. Nobody wipes the nose of Gimme. He blows a snot rocket then wipes His own nose.

VII. Gimme goes "Motherfucker!" for the second time.

VIII. At the start of the climb, Gimme passes that club jerseyed guy who had the temerity to pass Gimme on the flat. Gimme leaves him for dead. The sky starts to do something beyond merely raining.

IX. Gimme goes "Motherfucker!" for the third time. This time is both the loudest and wheeziest.

X. On Military Road, Gimme is completely soaked to the fucking skin by a sideways driving hail. He cannot see more then five feet through the mist. He tries to hide behind Mr M in a half-assed echelon, but the wind keeps blowing Mr M towards His wheel. He gives up and cries a little bit.

XI. Gimme begins the descent. His face, fingers and toes go completely fucking numb, instantly.

XII. Gimme dies on the bike. Or wishes he was dead. "Give me a couple of nails in my palms and a slow agonising suffocation any day", He thinks.

XIII. Gimme's body is removed from the bike.

XIV. Gimme's body is laid in the gym shower where it very, very slowly defrosts.

XV. Gimme teaches spin.

It may be safely asserted that there is no devotion which enables us more literally to obey His injunction to take up our bicycle and follow Him.

*Iconography by Riker*

15 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

Radge said...

That's how The Simpsons started.


Fat Sparrow said...

You've been snorting the kids' Nickelodeon Slime, haven't you?

fatmammycat said...

Somedays having a kidney infection is just the most darlingest excuse for NOT having to put on lycra and exercise. For verily, thou hast madeth me peaceful and hast banished guiltful thoughts from my noggin. Amen.

problemchildbride said...

Beeyootiyootifrootiful, O Gimme. I disagree with your doctrine of merely two wheels though. The Deity is a tricycle-rider, surely? A three-wheeled Godhead a bit like a three-pronged approach, only with much more gratuitious prong action.

I break off from your church! I form a church where the Front Wheel, The Back Wheel and the Holy Ghostie Wheel are all as one mystical form of personal transportation.

*waves hands in a swirly way like the lady at the beginning of Tales Of The Unexpected used to. And with her music too.*

gimme a minute said...

We're glad you liked it but have no plans for a tv pilot.

Fat Sparrow:
I have not. Any good?

An adherent! At fucking last. It's hard work suffering for people's sins.

How about a blood sacrifice?

"The Deity is a tricycle-rider, surely?"

Oooh, it's a melty Walkman for you young lady.

fatmammycat said...

I have looked into this blood sacrifice business. The cats are against it. But one of my neighbours is slowing down though, leave it with me.

Medbh said...

This is awesome, Gimme.
Tell Riker her artwork is divine.

Mr. M says "if I had known we were doing the stations of the cross, we would have gone to Sally Gap."

He was moaning for a full hour after the ride about how cold he was.

Manuel said...

More! More It's a triumph...

[throws roses at the blog - dabs tears from eyes]

Fat Sparrow said...

I recommend it over Play-Doh. Play-Doh leaves a nasty taste in the back of your throat, and it's not such a pretty color when you snot it out. You get what you pay for.

gimme a minute said...

Some elderly next door neighbour ain't cuttin' it.

Naught but the blood of the newly returned Ingle will appease the wrathful Gimme.

I'm still cold. I have a feeling I always will be.

[backs unnoticed off stage to leave Riker soaking up applause.]

Fat Sparrow:
So that's what they were doing backstage at the Kid's Choice Awards. I thought iCarly looked a little more fucked up than usual.

Why should kids even have a choice, that's what I want to know.

problemchildbride said...

I hate that fucker, iCarly.

Fat Sparrow said...

Good point, my kids don't get a choice.

I have to say I'll take iCarly over Hannah Montana any day of the week.

Medbh said...

When I saw Ingle's return to the paper yesterday I laughed and wondered if you would have another rant in the works.

Eolai said...

But where does it all end?

Sorry, I mean why does it all end?

* The iconography is deliciously fabulous

emordino said...

Outstanding work from both parties. More of this.

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