Thursday, September 15, 2011

But can't denial let me believe?

Thursday, September 15, 2011
Those of you with an O2 account should be aware that the company have a live chat feature. This allows you to talk a representative without having to decipher a thick Cork accent. The woman that I chatted with was extremely helpful.

Hi. My name is MichelleM. How can I help you today?

Hi MichelleM. My name is Gimme.

And how can I help you today, Gimme?

I'm not sure if you can, MichelleM.

I can certainly try. What seems to be the problem?

I am sad, MichelleM. I am very, very sad.

I see. What seems to be the problem?

And angry.

I see.

A little depressed.

How can I help?

To be honest I think I'm experiencing all seven of Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. Simultaneously.

Is this to do with your O2 account, Gimme?

Oh yes.

What seems to be the problem?

It's my iPhone, MichelleM.

What seems to be the problem with your iPhone?

It's gone.


I left it in the studio for like five minutes and some fucker swiped it.

I'll have to ask you to refrain from coarse language, Gimme.


That's okay. So your phone was stolen?


I can block your phone from here.

Thank you. Can you make it explode in their thieving mitts, leaving them with bloodied burnt stumps where their hands used to be? Like in Iran? But technoligacallier?


Isn't that kind of racist?


Perhaps it's a feature you could consider adding. People would probably pay a little extra for that kind of thing.

I will pass on your suggestion.

Will you?



Do you have insurance?

I do not. I don't believe in insurance.

You don't believe in it?

I think there's something weird and wrong about laying a wager on one's own misfortune.

Oh. I see from your account that you are not due for an upgrade until 07/12. But you can get a free replacement sim card in any O2 store or I can have one sent to your address. You will able to use this in most phones.

Okay. How much will a new iPhone 4 cost?

If you purchase online it will cost €697.


I said if you purchase online it will cost €697.

How about if I purchase offline?

If you buy from an O2 store it will cost €729.

That's more.


I thought it might be less.

It's not.

I can't afford that.

I'm sorry.

Are you?

Yes. I'm sure a friend or relation has a phone that you could use until your upgrade status changes.

You're probably right.

Is there anything else I can help you with today?

I don't think so.

Would you like me to post you a replacement sim card?

No, thank you, I'll go to a shop.

Okay. Have a good day. Goodbye.

Hang on!


I just had an idea.

What is your idea?

Lots of iPhones get stolen, right?

I suppose they do.

And then the thieving bastards wipe them and sell them to people for cheap, right?

Yes, probably.

So all I have to do is find someone to sell me a cheap stolen iPhone, meet him, smash his face to a sticky pulp, and take the iPhone.

I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

I know what you're thinking, MIchelleM. It's unlikely that that would be my iPhone, or the guy who stole my iPhone. But it would be like a kind of karma. The circle of life, if you will. Have you seen The Lion King?


Did you like it?


Well, then.

I would advice against this course of action, Gimme.

But it was your idea!

No it wasn't.

Okay, well you gave me the idea. And you like The Lion King. So on some level you approve.

I don't. I would advise against this course of action.

Okay, sure. You have to say that. They probably have some corporate monster standing over your shoulder checking on everything you write. I understand.

I just don't think it's a very good idea, Gimme.

Okay. *wink*

Is there anything else I can help you with?

I'm not going to do that. I'll just get a phone off someone else until my upgrade. *wink*.

Is there anything else I can help you with, Gimme?

No, that's it. *wink*

Okay. Have a good day. Gimme. Goodbye.

I'll have a 'smashing' day, MichelleM. *wink* Thanks for all your help. And ideas.



6 Johns and Janes for the comment whore:

arseblog said...

What kind of iPhone and what software version?

Gimme said...

Right kind of phone, right kind of software. But I did not know about this so it is not activated. Also I gather that the phone needs to be turned on. It is not turned on.

It's not just insurance I don't believe in. It's being prepared in any way whatsoever.

Andrew said...

Pretty sure it was MichelleM I spoke to, too. Little pricktease offered to send me a text with a code for an upgrade or some shit and then didn't. Wouldn't tell me what she was wearing, either.

If it's any consolation, I picked up tickets the other day for you, Data and Riker to the rescheduled Macnas shindig. You're welcome.

Arlene said...

What's going to happen is: you'll be walking across a forecourt late at night with a different phone hanging limply from your hand, minding your own business, possibly smoking, possibly looking for beer, when two gurriers will pass you, looking for smokes, and possibly minty kit-kats, and as they do their phone will ring and when one of them answers it, says 'story?' you will, in a fit of wonder and madness, recognise it as your own, scream 'WAIDAFOOKINMINUTE'
then approach, foaming, and terrorise them into throwing it at you before running away to their momieeees and dadieeees, you will then return home, triumphant, write a superb hilarious possibly award winning post about it and annoy Common Law for a remarkably long time with endless stories about fate and the wonders of the universe.

Gimme said...

That is no consolation whatsoever, Andrew. But thank you nonetheless.

If only lightning could strike twice, Arlene. I'd have it hit the scumbag who robbed my phone. Twice.

Conan Drumm said...

Does that mean you're still paying for an iP until the contract's over? How much to buy out the rest of the contract... and get a new iP on a new contract... ring MichelleM

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